Introduction:
When standing in line at a coffee shop or walking down the street, you are trying actively to avoid interaction with everyone. If it wasn’t for the fact that we had to place in order to a person behind the counter we would not speak at all. If we can order ahead on an app, or order off of a touch screen that would be preferable. It’s uncomfortable to have to make conversation with someone else. The worst is when you have that one employee who enjoys interacting with customers. They ask you more then what would you like to order. Something along the lines of how your day is going, or how they like that same thing on the menu. The nerve of some people trying to get us to talk to them!
Does this remind you of yourself at all? It happened all to often to me, before I realized the importance of social connections. No matter how big or small they can really effect your outlook on your reality. Think about when you walk past people. Do you look them in their eye, and flash a smile? Or do you secretly hope that they will not look at you, because then you have to smile at them. If you do make eye contact it could potentially lead to conversation where you may say the wrong thing. You may not know the right things to say. It’s so uncomfortable to make small talk. The secret is that most of us all have this level of social anxiety, but no one wants to admit it.
Modern Day Social Anxiety:
When I was growing up my dad always told me when you are walking in public stand up straight and look people in the eye. It’s a sign of respect, and confidence. This isn’t the case anymore in modern society. People simply keep there heads down at all times. If you don’t believe me, test it out yourself. When you are out in public next time try keeping your phone in your pocket and try to make eye contact with others as they pass by. One thing you will probably notice is how uncomfortable it makes you feel when someone actually looks back at you. You will probably also notice that most people won’t even pick up their heads from their phones to make eye contact. If they are not staring at there phones they will more then likely give you a quick glance, and then rapidly look away.
This is what I like to call modern day social anxiety. It is something that keeps all of us from connecting to one another. It’s seemingly a foreign concept to meet someone in person and strike up a conversation. It feels uncomfortable to start a conversation. Everyone in there twenties grew up with a smartphone. Smartphones have become an adults version of a teddy bear. Think about it when we were little kids we walked around with a teddy bear or something like it to comfort us, and keep us entertained. We would carry that teddy bear around everywhere with us. As adults we don’t carry teddy bears anymore, because that would be silly. Instead we carry around our smart phones. If we don’t have our phones with us at all times we absolutely panic like a child. We run around the house searching for the last place we might have had it. Most of us wont even leave our phones in another room. Our phones are apart of us. They are apart of our identity. If it’s not with us, we feel like something is missing.
Do We Crave Our Phones or Social Connections?
Humans are designed to be connected to one another. If you leave a baby by itself after it is born, that baby will die. A baby needs to be loved and nurtured. It depends on those around them to meet their needs. No other animal is like this. Some animals may need to rely on their mothers to provide food and protect them for a period of time. However, love is not on the list of requirements. Babies need to be loved so their brains can develop properly. We crave social connections with people as soon as we take our first breath.
This modern society is all about being independent. Nothing wrong with that, except that we have tipped the scales to far towards total isolation. Instead of talking to people in real life we go online. Start watching YouTube videos, or listening to podcast. These make us feel like we are sitting with friends and listening in on a conversation. Then as we are watching or listening to the content we go to the comments. Start reading other peoples takeaways from the content that you just consumed. Some comments are good some comments are awful. Perhaps, you want to give your own take. Some comments you agree with and some that you don’t. These types of social connections are so easy to have. They are comfortable, and safe. They are like fast food. Quick, cheap, and easy. We know it’s not as healthy as going out and meeting someone new, but it at least satisfies that craving of a social connection that we so desperately need. We feel a little less isolated. A little less lonely.
Attachment & Reality
We are attached to our phones in a multitude of ways. One of the Buddhist beliefs is that all human suffering and conflict comes from attachment. We need to become less attached to our devices, and start living in the real world. We need to start leaving our phones in our pockets more, and keeping our heads up. One of the many reasons that the world seems so decisive now a days is that we don’t look at people like people. We don’t care about that person in line at Starbucks, or that person that we see in the gym everyday. We don’t connect with people outside of our circle. It’s to risky, and uncomfortable. There is a possibility that we may face rejection. It’s becoming comforting for us to live in a reality that an algorithm has created on our social media feeds, rather than shaping our own reality.
The point is that social media has a way of shaping our views of the real world, and how we see others. The internet is full of hate, and disrespect. When we go into the real world we are more reserved towards others due to the fact that we don’t want to be hurt. All the hate on the internet makes us believe that there are mean and awful people all around us. It makes sense why when we go into public we avoid talking to others. It is more comfortable to stay isolated, and keep a small circle of friends and loved ones that we can trust. We close our hearts off towards those around us to protect ourselves.
However, this is something that we need to change in society if we ever expect the world to be a better place. If we ever actually truly want to be happy in life we must connect with others. That is the real reason we are here. We must make connections so, that we can grow not just ourselves, but our families. If you never took the chance to ask anyone out there would be no kids in your future. If that sounds like a future that excites you, then I understand. However, at some point you are going to want to have intimacy with another person. We crave that intimacy. We are emotional creatures, that need a deep intimate connection with others. It’s wired in us.
We shape the world through our own realities. If we were to begin to keep our phones in our pockets, and try focusing on being in the moment we might find new people that we can trust. We might be able to open our hearts towards new people, and make more connections in the world. Rather then making connections through the internet that mean barely anything. Imagine walking into public and striking up a conversation with someone that seems interesting to you. You find out that they have some similar hobbies as you. Let’s say you really love to travel, and they love to travel as well. You begin talking about places you’ve always wanted to visit, and things you’ve always wanted to do. Next thing you know you are hanging out with that person making travel plans.
Shaping Your Own Reality
Take your reality into your own hands. We all have the power to do so. If you find yourself living a reality of fear, and anxiety. Might I suggest disconnecting from the internet, social media, and television. We live in a world where fear sells. The media loves to get peoples attention, and the best way to do that is make people not want to look away. It’s like watching a train wreck, or watching the replay of a gruesome injury. You don’t want to watch, but at the same time you can’t help it. That’s how the media shapes your reality. I grew up about an hour away from Baltimore. Every single night if you turned on the local news there were shootings, robberies, drug deals, etc… Baltimore is notoriously a very rough city. However, I have been there countless times. I have never been shot or witnessed anyone getting shot. Yes, I know that all of these can happen in Baltimore, but as long as you stay in the tourist areas, and stay off the streets at night its actually a really nice place. It’s a city. Cities have crime.
The point of the story is that if we allow others to shape our realities we are never going to be free. Society will never get better. The world is crazy bizarre place right now to most people. It feels like you can’t trust anyone, and you should always be anxious of something bad happening. That’s not the real world though. There are still great people in the world just like you. In fact there are probably more people like you in the world then you might think. There are a lot of people in the world that probably think like you, and deal with similar issues as you. You just have to go out and find them. Don’t be afraid to open yourself up a little bit to get to know someone new.
Realistically, we are all connected in this world in some way shape or form. If we took the time to get to know everyone in this world down to their deepest most vulnerable selves, there is no doubt that we would find a reason to fall in love with everyone. Think about all the times you looked at someone and made up your mind on who they were. Then once you got to know them you realized they were actually really nice to be around, and you were wrong initially. Everyone has a story, everyone has their traumas, everyone has bad days. We could all connect on some level. We just have to take the time and effort to go out of our way to say hi. Take the time today, to make yourself uncomfortable and say hi to at least one new person. Try asking them a few questions to get the conversation going. You never know where things might lead you. You might be making a life long friend. At the very least you are attempting to grow yourself. Always remember if you are uncomfortable talking to people it gets easier the more you do it.